How to be Angry at a Boyfriend

Don't sleep, because you might snuggle accidentally, in the night. Get an extra blanket so you never get cold so you never have to get close. If you're lucky the blanket will make everyone sweaty, so if you happen to rest your head on his chest, it will feel wet and you'll move away before you even remember you're angry.

Drag yourself out of bed earlier than usual. You will not want to get out of bed because that will be the start of a new and awful day of angriness. But you must get out of bed because he is angry too, or else he would have apologized, and he knows the day is going to be awful so he doesn't want to get out of bed either. It's one thing to be in bed together when you're supposed to be sleeping, but people who are angry at each other cannot mope together in bed. The bed is too small for that much anger.

Go to a bagel shop for breakfast so he wakes up to loneliness. Review your reasons for anger as you walk to the bagel shop. Think of a mnemonic trick to remember the Reasons for Anger because you will get tired of anger in the middle of the day and you will become weak. Do not become weak. Do not bring him a pumpernickel bagel.

Say "Hi" to him when you get back to the apartment, and prepare a speech in case he says, "Oh, are we talking now?" If he says, "Oh, are we talking now?", say, "Yes, of course we are. I just have nothing to say. After what you did yesterday, there seems no point in talking about it." If you return from your bagel breakfast and he says nothing, that is one more reason to be angry at him.

Be very busy. Paint the kitchen cabinets and do it extremely carefully so you look absorbed in paint and not anger and he will wonder if he should be angry. Sneak glances to gauge how depressed he is. You'll have to read body language because you shouldn't sneak while he's facing you because he could be sneaking, too, and if you both sneak gauging glances at the exact same time then it would be kind of funny, and you might laugh, and every couple that laughs together on Sunday morning ends up having sex.

Take a nap. He is already in bed moping, so nap on the sofa, which is very uncomfortable because it's a love seat which seemed romantic in the store when life was good. Dangle your legs over the edge. Wake up with pins and needles and when they're gone, lie there an extra few minutes to see if he makes overtures of apologies. Wait a few more minutes. Tell yourself if he doesn't apologize in four days then you could never marry him anyway. Wish you had talked about this last night because now the stakes are too high. Roll onto the floor and fall asleep.

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