So, okay. Sit down on the sofa. Do you want a drink or something? I have water. And you know how when you hear something that's surprising and your jaw drops or your eyes pop? Do that now because I want it out of your system when I tell you. Well, OK, probably your eyes won't pop because this is really only a big deal for me, not for you.

Remember how I told you I'd rot in hell before I'd date another guy who won't go down on me? Well, it happened again. And I'm feeling so stupid because all my friends have boyfriends who do it. And the boyfriends say they like it. Tano says they're lying—the boyfriends are—but I don't care. I told Tano it'd be fine if he lied, but he won't. I told Tano he'll get used to the taste, and he said okay and went down on me once every three months, and I'm like, you won't get used to it at that rate.

I know people like Emily Dickinson lasted their whole lives without someone going down on them, and I could probably last, too, if it weren't that getting someone to go down on me was my long-term goal, and I failed. Now I wish I made my goal to be to have a family or a house. And the other thing is that when the Ex dumped me, I convinced myself that I could get up in the morning because I had learned so much from the relationship, but now I have a new boyfriend with the old problems and I haven't learned anything.

Are you awake? I'm not done. I tried telling myself that what I learned from the last relationship is that oral sex is not the most important thing. But really, I haven't learned that.

So, stand up a minute, I want to show you something. Here, wait, help me move the sofa over here to the light. OK, I want you to tell me if there's something wrong with me. Come closer. Do you need more light? Is it too red or something? Sniff a little. What does it smell like? I mean, when people say they love the smell, is this the smell they're talking about? How can you smell from that far away? Where are you going?