The first time Mom and Dad announced they were getting a divorce was when Mom refused to sign their tax return in order to teach Dad a lesson about filing late. But then, instead of getting a divorce, they went to Italy.

The next time they announced a divorce was when Mom and Dad were throwing picture frames at each other and I was watching, and then Mom yelled, "Call the police." When the police arrived, Mom told them, "Don't worry, we won't call again. We're getting a divorce." I don't know who was more relieved, me or the police.

The next time they announced a divorce, I was at college. Mom called me and said, "Here's Dad's new phone number."

Then I asked to speak to Daniel so I could find out what happened.

Daniel said, "Dad was painting the hallway and Mom thought he picked the wrong color, so she threw a bucket of red paint on him and on the wall. Then the police came, and they asked me if I was bleeding."

I knew the last time would be final when Mom sent me five hundred dollars' worth of clothes from the GAP. On top of the UPS box was a note that said, "It's the last day before Dad cancels all the charge cards."

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